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moving and not

September 20, 2010

Sometimes moving forward looks and feels like you’re taking a step backwards. Even when you know you’re doing the right thing. Sometimes it feels like you’re moving sideways, and it feels like you might just keep moving sideways, and never forward. Growth is hard. I like to grow slowly. I don’t really enjoy the process, but I like it when I get through it and I’m on the other side. I know it’s good for me, but I fight it. I put on a brave face, but I’m scared. I’m also scared of not growing, so I keep doing it. One foot. Then the other. There are days when I don’t think I can keep going. But then I realize that there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing more. So I face another day and hope that it will be better than the last. That I’ll understand something new. That eventually enough new days will string themselves together that I’ll find myself on the other side of feeling like I’m not moving, or moving in the wrong direction, and discover that I have finally gotten somewhere new and wonderful where I can pause a moment. Before deciding which way to go next.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Julia Bates permalink
    October 9, 2010 5:41 pm

    Boy do I sit with this one ALL the time. I think my underlying assumption is that my growing should be slowing! I should be excellent by now–so close to 60–and since I’m not, why not just wallow! Except wallowing is disgusting! And boring! and smothering! I guess I’d rather be scared and moving! And breathing deeply through anxiety attacks!

    Great to be reading you again!

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