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I am not having twins

February 26, 2011

I have landed in the “want kids” camp. Somehow, I find myself living in the space of possibility where family is concerned. I am not so much dwelling on the practical, which is different for me. I am fleshing out the idea in my mind. Big arcs, not details. Well, sometimes details. We were in Williams Sonoma last weekend and I paused in the baby section. There are whole “systems” designed to cook and store your baby’s homemade food. I couldn’t help thinking, ” Will I need this? … Um, no. This is the most ridiculous machine. This is completely superfluous. You can do the same thing with normal-sized pots and pans, or a microwave. And I’m pretty sure I can stock my cabinets with Gladware, which will serve just fine as baby-sized food containers.” But I stood there, unable to leave without reading every side of the package of the cooker and all of its accessories. Fascinating. It’s like the wedding industry. There’s a whole world out there that is supposed to be convenient and wonderful, but really it’s mostly unnecessary and really expensive.

I heard through the grapevine that my mother-in-law had given up on us ever having kids. Is it that weird that we’ve waited? I’m only 30 for goodness’ sake. I appreciate that I heard this second-hand, because it means she hasn’t pressured us, but I think I was a little hurt. Maybe it is self-protection on her part. She so wants to be a grandmother. My parents have said nothing, but I’m pretty sure they want to be grandparents, too. This is not why I want to have kids, by the way. I am interested in how our parents are invested in this decision, and how our decision to wait so far has affected them.

So, in one way or another, I guess I have babies on the brain. We have started buying more organic foods. Since we started feeding the beagles better food, I have become utterly paralyzed in the grocery store. How do I know if organic really is better? Is it worth paying twice as much? But do I want to risk not buying it? I only want the best for them. So I buy the expensive milk and eggs, but I can’t help also buying the packets of ramen that are on sale. Is that the kind of mom I’m going to be? Eat your veggies. Here, have a Twinkie. Remind me never to go shopping when I’m hungry.

My friend, who is also on the seemingly inevitable path towards childbearing, told me she had a dream about me the other night. She was mad at me because I was four months pregnant with twins, but hadn’t told her. I’m going to pretend like things like birth defects and bizarro multiple births don’t exist because if I have to also decide cloth or disposable, what kind of stroller, childcare, school, and all the other completely overwhelming things that I’m going to have to confront eventually, I will revert back to my previous stance of “totally not worth it.” I think it’s time to live in the “probably/mostly/hopefully worth it” space for a while. Darien called me “maternal” the other night. I guess I will believe him.

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