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Baby crazy antidote

March 22, 2011

Note to self: Try to refrain from having major revelations, making big decisions, and generally attempting to be overly productive during that time of the month.

Yes, I went a little nutso two weeks ago, and I’m blaming it on hormones. I mean, sure, the Korea tour and adoption search is big news, but the whole thing kind of comes in waves of panic, dread, grief, excitement, and … nothingness. Sometimes I don’t feel anything. I just feel like myself. There’s no drama. There’s no angst. There’s just me, living the best way I know how.

I think it’s the baby stuff that sent me over the edge. It’s tied into the adoption stuff, but I really went into crazy baby-lady-land, which was really bizarre since I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to the point where I would actually want to have kids. And all of a sudden, there I was, wanting one, and not having one. I’m not a good decision maker. I’m not very decisive. I like to take my time, see all the options, weight the pros and cons. It can make ordering at a restaurant really tortuous, but means that I almost never regret the big choices I’ve made. However, this also means that once I’ve made a decision, it also means I’m prepared to execute post-haste since it took so damned long to get to the decision point. Hurry up hurry up hurry up! Turns out I am not a patient person either.

Somehow, I was finally able to verbalize this insanity after about a week of feeling like a lunatic with all these foreign “maternal instincts” (ugh!) kicking in. Seriously, I was smiling at kids on the sidewalk, mesmerized by young families in the park. I entered this alternate universe where I had all the time in the world to ooh and ahh at strangers’ children. It was freaking me out! So we came up with a plan, a process, to get us from here to baby expeditiously and purposefully, but not hastily. I think it’s a good plan with good goals.

One thing I’m focusing on is getting healthier. I’m not weaning off the coffee and booze just yet, but I am taking my vitamins and exercising. The fact that it’s feeling more like spring helps a lot. I try to take the dogs out on long walks every day, and I’ve started working out more intensely in addition. I started swimming very casually a few months ago, and I’m trying to build up to going three times a week, though just two times per week makes the pricey gym membership seem worth it.

I’m building up my stamina slowly. I can do 30 minutes of laps, with rests between every other lap. I would like to take a few lessons to work on making my form more efficient, and to learn how to do a flip turn, but I also like doing it more or less casually. I don’t want to get obsessed by it because I’m pretty sure swimming is not my new passion in life. It’s an excellent workout that really challenges me, but that doesn’t feel impossible. I still enjoy running, but I know I’m so very bad at it, and I am much more likely to get injured that way. I’m doing a mix of fast walking, jogging, and swimming, and I might try adding biking soon. I’m simply inspired to be outside and moving my body, but I’m trying not to get carried away and overdo it. I think it’s the fascination with the utterly mundane and natural, yet completely bizarre, but miraculous, process of growing a person inside you, and then birthing it. In theory, my body is supposed to do that. I guess it makes me wonder what other things my body can do.

I feel calmer. I’m on a path. I have a plan. A general plan, but a plan. I don’t know when this self-imposed countdown will end, but I think I like the idea of being surprised.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Becca permalink
    March 22, 2011 1:47 pm

    You know, swim + bike + run = triathlon. JUST SAYING.

  2. Julia Bates permalink
    March 31, 2011 5:23 pm

    You might also want to work on arm strength and core–pilates? In the event of baby + baby equipment, you will be hauling with your arms and back quite a bit. I walked while pregnant with Justin–right up to the day of birth, and folk danced (up to two days before the birth) and played softball (they made me stop pitching because they were afraid of hitting that big bulge.) With Darien I swam. (And took Justin to baby swimming lessons). With Toby I gardened, walked, and chased two small boys. So variety is the spice of life. Are you taking folic acid and vitamin D? Two basic building blocks! And Calcium? (calcium is calming as is magnesium) And Darien should take them as well as they improve sperm motility and stamina!! Probably TMI? Julia

  3. April 2, 2011 7:05 am

    You’ve gone through a paradigm shift, Betsy. Or to use another analogy, it’s like water changing states. The temperature builds and builds (or lowers and lowers) and, while it looks like water from the outside, all of a sudden it’s steam (or ice). But you’ve laid a powerful foundation for the new order. I remember it happening something like this with Justin. After years of waiting and talking and planning, suddenly we just went ahead and had him.

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